Maya's Dungeon ⋆˚｡

Hi, I have come to update my website for the first time in forever. I was mostly distracted by other things. I want to be consistent, and so I am aiming for a more attainable goal of updating it once a month with all my drawings and projects. This is good for me, as I have horrible executive dysfunction. It’s likely this is the only post on my blog now. I have a tendency to “restart” when things don’t go perfectly my way creatively. Working on that as we speak. I am trying to test my confidence and post more on Instagram for fun, treating it like my personal pin board instead of the aesthetic nightmare that the whole of the app has become. The “social” aspect of social media has all but dried at this point, it seems. I don’t want to treat it like the new Facebook.

I have been drawing more and doing more things. Hanging out with my girlfriend every weekend has really helped with that, and given me motivation to do more. I am really grateful for her. I have been really into sketching on WigglyPaint, and creating tiny animations. My luck, job wise, has been shitty as fuck, so I am just taking things into my own hands using my talents. Nothing is working out well, and it feels like the universe is telling me to change my path and try something else. I don’t have the patience or connections to wait around for things to come my way, sadly. But I feel positive about it all regardless. If this is my rock bottom, it feels like leagues above others. A selfish thought, but it helps me know I still have control.

Easter is coming up, so I am gonna get into drawing bunnies and stuff. I’m thinking I can make a YCH product out of that idea somehow. I am trying to push my artstyle as I continue to draw. I feel like things are stagnant right now, and I want to exaggerate even more. Also creating more music, mostly working on old stuff but trying to add my voice. I am trying to become comfortable with it. I have a deeper voice and I feel a bit self conscious about it. I don’t know how it should sound. Finding your voice is a myth, instead it is built through experimentation. But experimenting is so scary, for some reason. I am realizing I have to have fun with it, like have to with everything else. If it’s not fun, what is the point. I guess it feels like a bit of a chore, the way that I go about doing it at this moment. You know what, I am going to write a song today! And get it all done, today. I just have to sit through the hard parts, and I will find my way, I’m sure.

I also think I am scared of my own success, in a way. If I succeed, it would mean all the time I have wasted was for nothing, and the only thing that kept me from what I wanted was myself. But I already kind of know that. Maybe I should go to therapy or something to unpack this? Someday, sure, I need to focus on creating my own momentum right now. Imperfect action is always better than perfection. I have to tell myself this constantly. I have a horrible perfectionism problem. But with perfectionism, there is an underlying problem. When you set your standards high, you can never reach them. It allows you to feel safe, like you are “planning” and only being logical and strategic. It allows you to fall back, and blame your percieved mediocracy. But the issue is, your tastes are always much higher than your ability to execute. It is why we, as artists, get into art. Because we see something, or feel something, and have a need to express it in the best way that we can. No matter how serious or silly.

It is always better to create aimlessly, and build around what you have done. Rather than plan, but never move.